the endless U turns

Everything seems to be going fine around me except my life. What is happening is yet to be sorted out. Things which I think are going straight suddenly takes a U turn and gives the worst results possible. How will one cope when all things seem to end at a dark phase. How will this phase too take a straight turn again. I'm fed up making the paths "undistorted" or "patching up" the distorted ways. There is no use of explaining these nonsense to anyone around me, as they'll say, "it is what that happens to everyone... it is the creator's doing to make us bold and strong" .. But what I don't understand is that instead of being bold and strong, I'm becoming more and more flimsy and uncertain. This is my father's 12th anniversary in heaven or I should say it is his 12th birthday in heaven. I was too young to handle that loneliness which came as 1 minute of breathlessness. He didn't breath for a minute and was suddenly declared out of the world. Aren't our bodies so weak that we cannot hold our heat for a second if we don't get air or more precisely oxygen. There started the falling of bricks one by one. The crumbling down is still continuing and is not over yet because I do the patch works time to time. How long can I do the patch work. My days are filled with frustrations and grievance. When people look from outside, it is all fine. Oh what a life! But what a life is it?... People must be thinking I'm fuddy-duddy. The truth is that I'm a very good actress. I keep back tears even in worst situations. Even that day I did keep my tears back to make all things available for acha's last dressing up. But these days I find that this is not working. I'm growing weak and impatient. I can't handle it anymore and hope this is the last dirty U turn which I'm trying to make straight.